FOR SALE

Pontoon Boat: Does not float. Perfect for backyard parties, children’s pirate forts, or passive-aggressive lawn decor. Comes with three life jackets and an expired map to Morgan Island.
Call Earl—bring rope and low expectations.
Wedding Dress (Worn Once): Ivory. Fits size “I Don’t Wanna Talk About It.” Slight barbecue stain, no questions, no returns.
Text Darla—must pick up after dark.
Rooster: Answers to “Big Daddy” or sometimes just “Get Down From There!” Free to a home with very tolerant neighbors. Will trade for earplugs or strong coffee.

SERVICES OFFERED

Ken’s Quickie Divorce & Odd Jobs: 1-800-CALL-KEN
Punch card special: Free flamingo removal with your third legal proceeding. Now offering “ex-in-law haul away” and wedding dress bonfires (weather permitting).
Cousin Ronnie’s Haulin’ & Removal: Got junk, ex’s stuff, or mysterious garden gnomes that keep multiplying? Cash only. Discretion guaranteed unless you owe him money.
Auntie Pearl’s Root Doctorin’ & Love Potions: “Cures what ails you—or at least makes you interestin’ at parties.” Consultations behind the Pig and Poke after sunset.

PERSONALS

Missed Connection:

You: Pig and Poke deli, deviled eggs.

Me: Potato salad, regret. Call me.

ISO Fishing Buddy: Must own a boat, keep secrets, and not be afraid of snakes. Bonus if you don’t ask too many questions. Ask for “Skip”—it’s not my real name.

Lost: One set of dentures, last seen at Sanctuary Bay Bingo. Reward: banana pudding.

HELP WANTED

Church Social Bouncer: Must be able to spot an unsanctioned casserole from 40 paces. Pay: first pick at dessert table.
Pony Club Dancer: Apply after 6 p.m. Must have reliable transportation, be flexible, and have a strong sense of humor.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Saint Michaels Annual Pie Contest: If you freeze your crust, you’d best keep quiet about it.
Rose Island Book Club: Now reading “Gone with the Gin”—bring your own flask and side-eye.

Noble County Recorder